I've got this fascinating ability to start something- be it a creative project or personal improvement project- and I'm hit with something that throws me off course. This week it was some bad news that's shaken me deeply.
Usually, it'll be sickness. My immune system is buggered, for some reason. At the very least it's a 90% chance that every time I get sick I'll end up with a persistent cough.
I'm tired of this pattern. Tired of giving up a good thing because life throws me off course.
I've got this all-or-nothing mentality around things. If I miss a single instance, the whole thing is dead. I don't know if any other writer's dealt with this. Found some way to coexist with it. Ultimately I feel the solution is to learn to finish projects. But it doesn't stop that process being tough.
And right now, I'm tender. My emotions have been a rollercoaster over the past few days, and it's a dream-like feeling. Like you're grasping for normalcy, knowing its what you need, but having it not quite be there.
I want to get back on track. I want to feel, time and time again, why it's this stuff that makes up my soul. Art. Writing. Stories. They're in everything I am. Everything I do. I want to fill my life with this stuff. And when I don't make my own, I feel incomplete. A sham. A fraudulent human being.
I want to be good at this.